raijahn: (Default)
( Feb. 20th, 2004 12:22 am)

I've experienced hell many, many times. For me hell is a place where you feel trapped. You love someone so deeply that no matter what that person does to you, you still love them. K destroyed me, literally destroyed me. I fell in love with him against my will. He still had D. The first time we had sex I did just it to please him and five minutes after it was over he regretted it and felt guilty. Cuz of her.

She had left him. So he moved in here. For two weeks while he was a work he had me searching for her. All I wanted was him. Just him. To love me. But he wanted her too. So I looked for her. I searched every motel in the damn phone book, pretending to be her sister. And on those days I couldn't do it, I felt guilty. Like I was betraying him.

He thought maybe she went back to Cali. So I told him I'd go with him. Cuz he asked me to. I did everything for him. I fixed his food, I woke him up for work, I took care of him when he was sick and convinced myself that the only thing I needed from him was his thanks.

Eventually I moved in with him, in the apartment we found for him and D. And I continued to look for her. Around the same time he started using again. Speed, Meth, Dope. A dozen names for the same thing. The only time he touched me was when the dope got him so horny he wanted fuck..

We found D. He was happy for a while. But then he wanted her to come back home and he told me that if she did I would of course have to move back to mom's. At this time he was gone all night. Like clockwork he would get home a three in the morning. One morning he didn't come home. He didn't go to work and D came home. So I called my mom and had her come and get me. I cried for a week straight, off and on. The pain was unbearable. I thought it was over.

But of course he came back. And cried and apologized and told me he loved me and I took him back. I stayed at mom's for a month. He continued to use. He split for a weekend and turned his pager off. I got freaked out and started taking pills to keep from screaming. I went through three boxes of 24 count pills in four days.

He came back and lied and said he was in jail.
I took him back.
See a pattern yet?

D left again, I moved back in. He still missed her. Couple times he woke up and was disappointed cuz I wasn't her.

A couple months go by with K off tweaking with friends for days at a time. Then D comes back. This time I don't leave. Instead, I get kicked to the couch and D gets to bed with him. I hate her. So much I want to kill her. But I’m also scared of her. So I start using Ks' dope instead. The only time the two of us get along is when I’m high and she’s stoned.
Eventually she leaves again. And we lose the apartment. Move into a motel in Gresham. A roach motel. For six freakin months.

Things go downhill from there. A few times I'm up for days on dope. Lost almost twenty pounds in less then a month. When he’s gone I’m taking allergy pills like crazy to stay asleep. Can't stand up without almost passing out. A couple times I just completely lose it. Screaming and crying and collapsing cuz I can't stand up. K freaks. Thinks I'm overdosing on sleeping pills again. I just want to kill him.

Hours flow into days, days into weeks, friends come and go, me and K go out when D is gone, I stay home by myself when she's there. Finally I get a job and we start saving money for an apartment. When we get it things start to get better. We both quit using and just work and pay bills and such. Then K loses his job and starts using again and I quit months later and screw up and starting using again. It's summer now and I spend my days high with D while K is out dealing and shit.

Then we get the eviction notice and I give up completely and K decides to learn how to make dope.

Our kitchen becomes a lab. There's no money or food. I have to get high to not feel the hunger pangs. K won't let me go home to my mom and I don't really won't to. One night I freak out and start pounding D cuz now she doesn’t scare me, she's all talk. K has to pull us apart cuz the neighbors hear us.

Days fly by. I can barely comprehend what day it is. Sometimes I crash cuz I'm up for too long. Sometimes I go crazy and try to get K to hit me. Sometimes I just wish I could end it all, but then that would mean that K wouldn't have me and he needs me. I learn how to cook dope and K makes me help him. He scares me now. He plays Russian roulette with his gun and then says I'm just upset cuz if he shoots himself I'll have to clean up the mess.

Why doesn't he believe I love him? God I just wish I could die

Walking home from the store I start hyperventilating cuz I see a cop fly by and wonder if somebody finally busted K. I bought allergy pills. I'm going to sleep.

Overamped on dope. Scared the shit out of me. Thought I was going to die. K found out the next day, didn't care.

Left the apartment. Got a room at a motel, all three of us. K left, of course.

Me and D got arrested for drug possession. I told the cops the truth about whose drugs they were so they let us go, no charges.

I moved back to my moms, got clean and got a job. Started realizing that I don't love K anymore. I had to get away from him. But he threatens to kill himself and that scares me.

I finally leave him. He freaks and threatens to come over and shoot the place up even though he knows that there are kids in the house.

Five months after I leave him I lose it again and this time I take too many sleeping pills and end up in the hospital. I just wish it would all go away.

Hell is not brimstone and fire. Hell is not isolation and coldness. Hell is what I just explained. Hell never goes away. It just sits there, in the back of my head, waiting for the day when it can come forth again and claim me.


raijahn: (Default)


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